This started as a simple facebook update

I'm 31 weeks pregnant this week with my LAST baby and I'm ready to be done. It's bittersweet actually, because on one hand I'm sad it's my last. On the other, holy crap am I glad this is it.

Mark reminded me that I had this picture of myself that Kristal took from, gosh idk, 4/5 years ago? And it made me miss some things. 

I miss my long thick hair. I miss my brown hair, even though I'm really ready to be a blonde forever again. I miss having a waist. I remember I thought I was "fat" when I took this picture... Um, can I please be that fat again? I miss the dress I was wearing and I feel bad for it because it ended up living with the Devil. Or the trash can. Either way, you should probably take a moment to pay your respects because nothing deserves to end up where it did. I miss visiting friends like I was doing when this picture was taken in Winslow, AZ. I'd even settle for visiting someone right across the street lol. I get in my shell especially when I feel like this and shut  everything and everyone out. I miss getting dolled up and accessorizing to go out on dates with my man. I can't do that when I'm this pregnant. Could you watch Shamu in a dress and heels and keep a straight face? I didn't think so. Besides, even if I could cross that hurdle and decide that I was going to do it, I was going to get ready in my finest, it would last until I reached the front door. By then my hair would be up in a pony tail, I would have thrown my heels at the wall in exchange for the flip flops I walked by at the front door, and you would probably find me sprawled out on the couch under the fan. Now, this would all happen IF and only if I was one of those pregnant people who had nice clothes to wear at this point during pregnancy. Which I do not. To sum up, because I could go on and on, I miss being normal sized with cute clothes and cute hair and being "fat" like I used to be. 

I feel it would be in poor taste to only post about something negative, so let me explain what I do NOT miss about things in this picture. 

I do not miss feeling like something wasn't quite how it should be. I have someone so special to me now, that I would never want to turn back time. I'm NOT saying anything negative about anyone here, I'm just simply laying things out so you understand just how important the people that are in my life now are to me. 

After having Mark in my life I couldn't live any other way. He is my everything. He makes me laugh like there's no tomorrow, he gives me hope when I have none left, he makes me feel pretty even when a blind man could see that it's simply not true. He loves me in a way that I can comprehend and feel and in return it's so much fun to give it back. I look at him in a way that I have never looked at anyone before. Cliche? Maybe, but get over it because it's the dang truth. Sometimes i look at him when he doesn't know it and all these thoughts will start to flood my brain, and because I don't know what to do with them, I just want to kiss him. He wouldn't understand or know what's behind that kiss but I would. The idea that HE is going to be the one by my side for the rest of my life, well there's no way to describe the joy that makes me feel. He's everything, he's wonderful, he's my happy, he's my love, and I honestly can't believe I found him. "This crap only happens in movies", or so my cynical mind had told me over and over again.

 

 I get to enjoy 2 new bundles of joy with him and we get closer because of that as well. Dexter has been such a sweet surprise and there's no way I'd go back to that moment in this picture, because he wouldn't be there. I'm so lucky to have ALL my kids with me and watch them as they grow and interact with each other. Austin and Zoe are amazing helpers with Dexter and they love him so much. Our new baby will be the last piece to our puzzle, and we can't wait. Because she's a girl, I think it's even more special. This will be something that I can experience with Mark for the first time since he has never gone down THAT road... you know, the "I'm a parent of a girl" road. It will be fun and I think it will only make me love him more, if that is even remotely possible.

 

There's just so many changes that have come since this picture that I completely forgot even existed. I wouldn't take a Billion dollars to go back there. Its not like I was miserable during that time of my life, absolutely not. I was happy, but I am just a different kind of happy now. I have added to my life the things that were missing and I honestly feel like these new "things" were meant to be. Everything that has happened since this moment in Winslow were supposed to happen. They have bettered me, they have bettered my kids, and I hope that Mark also feels the same. 

 

I originally started this as a Facebook status update... it wasn't supposed to be this long. That's when I thought to myself, "Here's your blog post you have been looking for!" So I am hoping that this will be the jumpstart I needed to start my blog again. But, I also hope to fit back into my Buckle jeans with a cute little waist by Christmas. So, ya.